The One About Looking Back

     Since I have been spending some time on my blog lately, I decided to read back through old posts.  There are over 200 posts, so I haven't even gotten through 1/4 of them, but wow....  While reading them, I am alternating between laughing out loud and crying.  These memories, the ones I swore that I would never forget, are so precious to me. As I read through the posts, I am right back there in those moments.  I remember where he was sitting when he said that funny thing.  I remember the expression on his face.  I remember watching him jump off the diving board for the first time.  I remember driving away from the school that first day of Kindergarten, the tears falling down my cheeks.  I remember the first time the doctor put him in my arms.  I can feel it so close to me, yet it also feels like a lifetime ago.  My heart is both full and broken at the same time.  I guess that is what parenting is like.  I am so very thankful for the years that I blogged and documented those little moments, but I also feel grief for the years that I lost, the years I thought I was "too busy" to blog.  Those moments may be gone forever.

    I vow from this point on to blog, to write about the things that may seem unimportant or trivial.  I know those little memories are the ones I will treasure forever.  The ones that I will be reading ten years from now as I alternate between laughing and crying.  The ones that Ernie and I will read together at night someday in our big empty home, longing for the chaos of these days.  

The One About What I Am Loving Right Now

I tend to get obsessed passionate about things.  I think it's just a part of my personality.  Or I may seriously have a touch of OCD.  Regardless, I thought I would share some of my current loves.

1.  Alexander Hamilton

I mean, come on...he's totally dreamy, right?  Admit it! 😍

I can't really explain why I am so obsessed (yes, this has crossed over from plain interest to a full-blown obsession) with Alexander Hamilton.  At the recommendation of a friend, I listened to some of the songs from the musical Hamilton last year.  I really liked what I heard, but didn't really think much of it.  Then before Christmas I heard about this book series by Melissa de la Cruz called Alex and Eliza.  It's a young adult/historical fiction series that sounded interesting, so I ordered it for the high school library.  The ABSOLUTELY GREATEST thing about being a librarian is that I get first shot at all the new books that come in.  I try to read most of what I put out on the shelves anyway, just so I can know the content and make recommendations to the students and teachers.  So I took home Alex and Eliza, as well as the second book in the series Love & War.  So began my love affair with Alexander Hamilton.  I could not put the books down.  I immediately downloaded the entire album of Hamilton the musical and started playing it on repeat.  I am pretty sure my boys can sing the entire musical as much as I have had it playing.  I told everyone who I ran into about this series.  When I finished reading the two books (the third in the series doesn't come out till April), I went online and read everything I could about Alexander and Eliza.  You know how drug addicts have withdrawal symptoms after quitting drugs?  Yeah, that was me.  I absolutely could not stop thinking about, reading about, and talking about Alexander Hamilton.  I found another historical fiction book on Amazon called My Dear Hamilton, and ordered it immediately.  Isn't the cover just beautiful?

I DEVOURED it.  When I was finished with that, I still couldn't stop.  I ordered another book called The Hamilton Affair.  

One of my friends said, "I feel like I need to read about Alexander Hamilton because you talk about him so much."  :)  So really I am educating my friends, right?  There is something good about my obsession.  My sister asked me, "What's so great about Hamilton?" Ten minutes later she interrupted me and said, "I am sorry that I asked."  😂 The musical comes to the Orpheum Theater in Omaha in September, and I have been impatiently anxiously waiting for tickets to go on sale.  I nearly yelled at the poor girl at the box office when she couldn't tell me the EXACT date that the tickets would go on sale.  I even priced airline tickets to Chicago and almost booked a trip there just so I wouldn't have to wait till September to see the musical.  Then the logical side of me (and my husband) squashed that idea.  Gavin and Asher would like to go with me anyway, which I think will be so much fun!  I ordered Asher a children's book about the life of Hamilton that he read for AR at school.  I was so excited for him to read it.  I wonder if there is some kind of Alexander Hamilton historical tour on the east coast.  Our 15-year anniversary is coming up.  Think my hubby would go for an Alexander Hamilton tour to celebrate?  Ha!  Doubtful.  

2.  Podcasts

This past year, I have become a podcast junkie. I received Airpods for Christmas (another one of the things that I love lately), and I have them in whenever I am doing busywork.  My favorite podcasts are Christian ones, especially ones that focus on marriage and family.  Right now I am listening to:  Focus on the Family, The Naked Marriage, For the Love with Jen Hatmaker, The Happy Hour with Jamie Ivey, and The Fierce Marriage.  These podcasts are so inspiring.  I also have been reading and watching videos of Chris Stefanick (Real Life Catholic).  Chris has a podcast, but hasn't released a new one since 2017.  However, he posts videos through social media or on You Tube that you can watch.  He's amazing!!!  I am SO EXCITED to see him in May when he comes to Nebraska to speak.  My friend, Jessica, saw him in Kansas last fall and had him autograph his book for me.  She gave it to me for Christmas, and I nearly cried.  It was the best gift ever!!

I am helping teach 5th-6th grade CCD this year, since I am in Ewing and can be there by 4:00 now.  We use some of Chris's videos in our lessons.  He has such a down-to-earth way of wording things so that it completely makes sense in your life.  I just adore him!

3.  Christian Music

I have listened to Christian music for years, but lately it is all I want to listen to, with the exception of music from Hamilton.  Whenever we get in the van to go somewhere, it's a fight to control the radio.  We usually alternate turns, so the boys can listen to their rap/pop music on the way there and then we listen to The Message on the way home.  The boys usually groan, but lately I have caught Gavin switching over the The Message if we get a Favorites alert on the screen that For King and Country is on.  He would NEVER in a million years admit it, but I think he likes For King and Country.  Some friends and I got tickets to their concert in Lincoln in August, and he was disappointed that he wasn't going along.  I also love Matthew West and Lauren Daigle.  Matthew West is going to be in Norfolk this summer at the Christian Cross Festival, so I am hoping I can take the boys.  

I read a book that talked about how you really need to look at what you surround yourself with if you want to lead a Christian life:  people, music, movies/TV, books, etc...  If you want God at the forefront of your life, you need to surround yourself with things that honor Him.  That really resonated with me.  Now don't get me wrong, I still like an occasional action movie or steamy book, but I am much more conscience about what my family is exposed to.  I am also spending more time with friends who value family and live their lives with God as the center.  I have already talked about my Bible Study group and the Mom Set Free study that we are working through.  The women in my group all have kids around my boys' ages, so our children are becoming friends too, which is wonderful since they aren't in the same schools.  It's kind of a crazy story how God brought us all together, but I won't go into that in this post.  I will just say that I am so blessed to have these women in my life.  It's hard to imagine my life without them now.  

4.  Morning Time

A few summers ago I read the book The Miracle Morning by Hal Elrod. 

I became very disciplined about getting up early before anyone else is awake.   Elrod has specific things that he recommends doing during The Miracle Morning.  At one time, I followed his routine, but as time went on, I developed my own routine that fulfills me.  1) Pray, 2) Devotion, 3) Read--usually something nonfiction or personal development, 4) Workout, and 5) Plan for my day.  Life happens, and my discipline has wavered at times since I started.  Sometimes I sleep in.  Sometimes I don't make this morning time a priority, which means I don't make myself a priority.  Here's the thing...I feel better in all areas of my life when I have that morning time to myself.  Lately, I started getting back into my morning routine.  When I get up early and do my morning routine,  it's amazing how energized, positive, patient, and relaxed and calm I feel as I begin my busy day.  I think my husband and children would agree that I am a better wife, mom, and person when have my morning time to myself.  
      

The One About the Revived and Revamped Blog

    They say that whatever you post online is there for eternity.  In this case, I am very thankful for that.  I have posted on my blog one time, yes one time, in the last 3 years.   Life got in the way, or more truthfully, I got in my own way.  Lately, I have been feeling pulled back to my abandoned blog.  I am searching for some kind of creative outlet for my passions.  I want to start writing again.  The reason that I began my blog years ago was as a scrapbook for the kids.  I mainly shared pictures of them, told funny stories about them, and narrated the day-to-day life of our family.  While I still plan to do that, I want this blog to me more personal:  MY thoughts, MY reflections, MY passions, and even MY struggles.  As I write this, there are very few people who know about the existence of this blog, and if they do they probably assume it has been abandoned for good and no longer check it for new posts. I am content with that.  I am not writing for exposure, attention, or "shares" on Facebook.  This blog is just for me. 
    I have been on this self-discovery journey for the last 1 1/2 years.  I have been working on myself, my heart, and my faith.  I have been praying, reading devotionals and personal development books, focusing on gratitude, and surrounding myself with likeminded and amazing women who build me up and inspire me to keep going in my journey.  I have learned a lot about myself, yet I have also stumbled.....and I have stumbled often. I have recognized that I am my worst critic, and I need to pray every single day for God's help in quieting those negative voices in my head.  I am a daughter of God, and His love for me is unconditional.  He will offer grace to me time and time again.  I cannot out-sin His grace, no matter how badly I feel that I have failed.  I have also learned that His timing is not necessarily MY timing, and I need to trust Him, even if I don't understand it at all.  God has a plan for me, and is looking at the big picture of my life. 
    With a small group of friends, I am doing a Bible Study called Mom Set Free.  It has changed my life. 

I wish I would have had this book when I became a mom 12 1/2 years ago.  There are so many fears and pressures of parenting, and this book addresses them all and teaches us that we are not expected to carry it all on our shoulders.  God doesn't ask that of us, so why do we feel that we have to do it all...and be perfect in our parenting.  He wants us to come to him with our worries and our struggles.  He doesn't expect perfection; only God is perfect.  By relying on God, we have freedom in our parenting, and what a relief that has been to me.  I am still a work in progress, but knowing that also gives me a sense of peace.  I don't have to have it all figured out right now, and I won't.  I will keep stumbling.  I will keep getting back up again.  I will keep growing.  I will keep praying.  I will stop trying to control everything and just be still.