The One About The Nine Rooms of Happiness

     I just finished the book The Nine Rooms of Happiness. I have been reading it little by little since January (I think I have talked about my ADHD when it comes to reading). This book was just amazing, and I want to share it with others.

     First, the book is written by Lucy Danziger and Catherine Birndorf. Lucy is the editor in chief of SELF magazine, which I love. Catherine is a psychiatrist. The title of the books come from a short story by Edith Wharton called “The Fulness of Life.” Being such a classic literature buff, I just love this fact. I will admit that I have not read this short story, but am going to later tonight if I can find it online. In this story, the main character reflects on her life as she leaves her life on earth and enters eternity. She says:

“I have sometimes thought that a woman’s nature is like a great house full of rooms: There is the hall, through which everyone passes in going in and out; the drawing-room, where one receives formal visits; the sitting-room, where members of the family come and go and they list; but beyond that, far beyond, are other rooms, the handles of whose doors perhaps are never turned; no one knows the way to them, no one knows whither they lead; and in the innermost room, the holy of holies, the soul sits alone and waits for a footstep that never comes.”

     Beautiful!! The authors took this idea and ran with it. In The Nine Rooms of Happiness, they further develop this idea that a woman’s inner emotional life is like the rooms in a house.

* The Basement: Memories
* The Family Room: Your nearest and dearest
* The Living Room: Friendship
* The Office: When work follows you home
* The Bathroom: Body image
* The Bedroom: Intimacy and relationships
* The Kitchen: Nourishment and the division of chores
* The Kid's Room: Parenting
* The Attic: Expectations
*The Tenth Room: that innermost room, the holy of holies

     We all have “baggage” we bring with us into any situation, whether it be from our past, our relationships with others, our feelings about ourselves, etc.. Throughout the book, there are real-life situations presented that women have discussed with Catherine in therapy. Catherine analyzes each problem to find out the true “room” where the baggage lies. Then she offers a pearl of wisdom for each woman. These are ingenious.  I am tempted to go through and write each pearl on a post-it note to decorate my bathroom mirror.  I just think this book is amazing. I love the idea of how complex a woman can be, about how she can be having a problem in one area of her life because she has “issues” in a completely different area.  Part of why this probably intrigues me so much is because I recognize myself falling into this all the time.  I think Ernie would agree.  One of the best pearls is "Hysterical is historical."  This means if we have an extreme reaction to a situation where we act completely nuts, it usually is happening because of something in our past that this current situation takes us back to.  As women, don't we do this all the time?  Our poor husbands.  How are they to ever understand us? 

     Another important concept in the book is A+B=C.  A is how you act or react to a situation. B is the other person in the situation. C is the outcome of the situation. Obviously, we can’t ever really control B (the other person), but by changing A (how we react), we can alter the outcome of any situation. A simple idea, but not one I have given much thought to before reading this. So many times we think there is nothing we can do, because we can’t control the other person. …but we don’t need to. We really do have all the control. There is no use sitting and blaming others for what is happening in our life. We have the power to change our lives. There was a quote in the book that really sums it all up:

“You always have a choice, about how you act or react to the events of your life. Your life is what it is, and it’s never going to be perfect.”

Being a perfectionist by nature, this book just really hit home with me. I could probably write a dissertation on this book. It really did change how I think about my life, my family, my relationships, etc.. I highly recommend it.