The One About Looking Back

     Since I have been spending some time on my blog lately, I decided to read back through old posts.  There are over 200 posts, so I haven't even gotten through 1/4 of them, but wow....  While reading them, I am alternating between laughing out loud and crying.  These memories, the ones I swore that I would never forget, are so precious to me. As I read through the posts, I am right back there in those moments.  I remember where he was sitting when he said that funny thing.  I remember the expression on his face.  I remember watching him jump off the diving board for the first time.  I remember driving away from the school that first day of Kindergarten, the tears falling down my cheeks.  I remember the first time the doctor put him in my arms.  I can feel it so close to me, yet it also feels like a lifetime ago.  My heart is both full and broken at the same time.  I guess that is what parenting is like.  I am so very thankful for the years that I blogged and documented those little moments, but I also feel grief for the years that I lost, the years I thought I was "too busy" to blog.  Those moments may be gone forever.

    I vow from this point on to blog, to write about the things that may seem unimportant or trivial.  I know those little memories are the ones I will treasure forever.  The ones that I will be reading ten years from now as I alternate between laughing and crying.  The ones that Ernie and I will read together at night someday in our big empty home, longing for the chaos of these days.  

The One About What I Am Loving Right Now

I tend to get obsessed passionate about things.  I think it's just a part of my personality.  Or I may seriously have a touch of OCD.  Regardless, I thought I would share some of my current loves.

1.  Alexander Hamilton

I mean, come on...he's totally dreamy, right?  Admit it! 😍

I can't really explain why I am so obsessed (yes, this has crossed over from plain interest to a full-blown obsession) with Alexander Hamilton.  At the recommendation of a friend, I listened to some of the songs from the musical Hamilton last year.  I really liked what I heard, but didn't really think much of it.  Then before Christmas I heard about this book series by Melissa de la Cruz called Alex and Eliza.  It's a young adult/historical fiction series that sounded interesting, so I ordered it for the high school library.  The ABSOLUTELY GREATEST thing about being a librarian is that I get first shot at all the new books that come in.  I try to read most of what I put out on the shelves anyway, just so I can know the content and make recommendations to the students and teachers.  So I took home Alex and Eliza, as well as the second book in the series Love & War.  So began my love affair with Alexander Hamilton.  I could not put the books down.  I immediately downloaded the entire album of Hamilton the musical and started playing it on repeat.  I am pretty sure my boys can sing the entire musical as much as I have had it playing.  I told everyone who I ran into about this series.  When I finished reading the two books (the third in the series doesn't come out till April), I went online and read everything I could about Alexander and Eliza.  You know how drug addicts have withdrawal symptoms after quitting drugs?  Yeah, that was me.  I absolutely could not stop thinking about, reading about, and talking about Alexander Hamilton.  I found another historical fiction book on Amazon called My Dear Hamilton, and ordered it immediately.  Isn't the cover just beautiful?

I DEVOURED it.  When I was finished with that, I still couldn't stop.  I ordered another book called The Hamilton Affair.  

One of my friends said, "I feel like I need to read about Alexander Hamilton because you talk about him so much."  :)  So really I am educating my friends, right?  There is something good about my obsession.  My sister asked me, "What's so great about Hamilton?" Ten minutes later she interrupted me and said, "I am sorry that I asked."  😂 The musical comes to the Orpheum Theater in Omaha in September, and I have been impatiently anxiously waiting for tickets to go on sale.  I nearly yelled at the poor girl at the box office when she couldn't tell me the EXACT date that the tickets would go on sale.  I even priced airline tickets to Chicago and almost booked a trip there just so I wouldn't have to wait till September to see the musical.  Then the logical side of me (and my husband) squashed that idea.  Gavin and Asher would like to go with me anyway, which I think will be so much fun!  I ordered Asher a children's book about the life of Hamilton that he read for AR at school.  I was so excited for him to read it.  I wonder if there is some kind of Alexander Hamilton historical tour on the east coast.  Our 15-year anniversary is coming up.  Think my hubby would go for an Alexander Hamilton tour to celebrate?  Ha!  Doubtful.  

2.  Podcasts

This past year, I have become a podcast junkie. I received Airpods for Christmas (another one of the things that I love lately), and I have them in whenever I am doing busywork.  My favorite podcasts are Christian ones, especially ones that focus on marriage and family.  Right now I am listening to:  Focus on the Family, The Naked Marriage, For the Love with Jen Hatmaker, The Happy Hour with Jamie Ivey, and The Fierce Marriage.  These podcasts are so inspiring.  I also have been reading and watching videos of Chris Stefanick (Real Life Catholic).  Chris has a podcast, but hasn't released a new one since 2017.  However, he posts videos through social media or on You Tube that you can watch.  He's amazing!!!  I am SO EXCITED to see him in May when he comes to Nebraska to speak.  My friend, Jessica, saw him in Kansas last fall and had him autograph his book for me.  She gave it to me for Christmas, and I nearly cried.  It was the best gift ever!!

I am helping teach 5th-6th grade CCD this year, since I am in Ewing and can be there by 4:00 now.  We use some of Chris's videos in our lessons.  He has such a down-to-earth way of wording things so that it completely makes sense in your life.  I just adore him!

3.  Christian Music

I have listened to Christian music for years, but lately it is all I want to listen to, with the exception of music from Hamilton.  Whenever we get in the van to go somewhere, it's a fight to control the radio.  We usually alternate turns, so the boys can listen to their rap/pop music on the way there and then we listen to The Message on the way home.  The boys usually groan, but lately I have caught Gavin switching over the The Message if we get a Favorites alert on the screen that For King and Country is on.  He would NEVER in a million years admit it, but I think he likes For King and Country.  Some friends and I got tickets to their concert in Lincoln in August, and he was disappointed that he wasn't going along.  I also love Matthew West and Lauren Daigle.  Matthew West is going to be in Norfolk this summer at the Christian Cross Festival, so I am hoping I can take the boys.  

I read a book that talked about how you really need to look at what you surround yourself with if you want to lead a Christian life:  people, music, movies/TV, books, etc...  If you want God at the forefront of your life, you need to surround yourself with things that honor Him.  That really resonated with me.  Now don't get me wrong, I still like an occasional action movie or steamy book, but I am much more conscience about what my family is exposed to.  I am also spending more time with friends who value family and live their lives with God as the center.  I have already talked about my Bible Study group and the Mom Set Free study that we are working through.  The women in my group all have kids around my boys' ages, so our children are becoming friends too, which is wonderful since they aren't in the same schools.  It's kind of a crazy story how God brought us all together, but I won't go into that in this post.  I will just say that I am so blessed to have these women in my life.  It's hard to imagine my life without them now.  

4.  Morning Time

A few summers ago I read the book The Miracle Morning by Hal Elrod. 

I became very disciplined about getting up early before anyone else is awake.   Elrod has specific things that he recommends doing during The Miracle Morning.  At one time, I followed his routine, but as time went on, I developed my own routine that fulfills me.  1) Pray, 2) Devotion, 3) Read--usually something nonfiction or personal development, 4) Workout, and 5) Plan for my day.  Life happens, and my discipline has wavered at times since I started.  Sometimes I sleep in.  Sometimes I don't make this morning time a priority, which means I don't make myself a priority.  Here's the thing...I feel better in all areas of my life when I have that morning time to myself.  Lately, I started getting back into my morning routine.  When I get up early and do my morning routine,  it's amazing how energized, positive, patient, and relaxed and calm I feel as I begin my busy day.  I think my husband and children would agree that I am a better wife, mom, and person when have my morning time to myself.  
      

The One About the Revived and Revamped Blog

    They say that whatever you post online is there for eternity.  In this case, I am very thankful for that.  I have posted on my blog one time, yes one time, in the last 3 years.   Life got in the way, or more truthfully, I got in my own way.  Lately, I have been feeling pulled back to my abandoned blog.  I am searching for some kind of creative outlet for my passions.  I want to start writing again.  The reason that I began my blog years ago was as a scrapbook for the kids.  I mainly shared pictures of them, told funny stories about them, and narrated the day-to-day life of our family.  While I still plan to do that, I want this blog to me more personal:  MY thoughts, MY reflections, MY passions, and even MY struggles.  As I write this, there are very few people who know about the existence of this blog, and if they do they probably assume it has been abandoned for good and no longer check it for new posts. I am content with that.  I am not writing for exposure, attention, or "shares" on Facebook.  This blog is just for me. 
    I have been on this self-discovery journey for the last 1 1/2 years.  I have been working on myself, my heart, and my faith.  I have been praying, reading devotionals and personal development books, focusing on gratitude, and surrounding myself with likeminded and amazing women who build me up and inspire me to keep going in my journey.  I have learned a lot about myself, yet I have also stumbled.....and I have stumbled often. I have recognized that I am my worst critic, and I need to pray every single day for God's help in quieting those negative voices in my head.  I am a daughter of God, and His love for me is unconditional.  He will offer grace to me time and time again.  I cannot out-sin His grace, no matter how badly I feel that I have failed.  I have also learned that His timing is not necessarily MY timing, and I need to trust Him, even if I don't understand it at all.  God has a plan for me, and is looking at the big picture of my life. 
    With a small group of friends, I am doing a Bible Study called Mom Set Free.  It has changed my life. 

I wish I would have had this book when I became a mom 12 1/2 years ago.  There are so many fears and pressures of parenting, and this book addresses them all and teaches us that we are not expected to carry it all on our shoulders.  God doesn't ask that of us, so why do we feel that we have to do it all...and be perfect in our parenting.  He wants us to come to him with our worries and our struggles.  He doesn't expect perfection; only God is perfect.  By relying on God, we have freedom in our parenting, and what a relief that has been to me.  I am still a work in progress, but knowing that also gives me a sense of peace.  I don't have to have it all figured out right now, and I won't.  I will keep stumbling.  I will keep getting back up again.  I will keep growing.  I will keep praying.  I will stop trying to control everything and just be still.  
   

The One About the New Job

     It's been almost 3 years since I last posted.  So much for my promise to blog monthly.  Life has been trucking along for our family of five.  I don't feel like doing a recap post about where we are all, so I am just going to jump in.
     The big news in my life is that I resigned from my job as a Speech Pathologist and accepted a position as a School Librarian in the local school district where my boys are.  "You did what?  Why?"  That has been the big question that everyone keeps asking me.  I have also heard "Didn't you take a big pay cut?"  (None of your business, but not really, if you must know).  I don't think I was fully aware of it, but I have been searching for something else professionally for awhile.  I look back at my journal from last fall, and I was working through it and dreaming about it even at that point.  I LOVE my speech students, I really do.  I also LOVE my coworkers.  However, the job itself just wasn't making me happy.  I wasn't miserable, but I felt stuck.  Speech Pathology is a great career, but something was just off.  I can't really explain what it was, but I know in my heart that this decision to change jobs at this point in time was the right thing for me.  How it happened was an amazing story.  The woman who was doing both guidance and library was retiring at the end of the school year.  The school district had someone lined up for the position before I had even heard that it was available.  That person changed her mind, and the district advertised a position for both guidance and library.  So I casually mentioned to my Dad that I wished the school would split the position and hire me for the School Library position part-time.  Honestly, I said it as a joke, because never in my life did I think it was a possibility.  He encouraged me to contact the principal and throw the idea out to him.  "You never know."  I sent an email, and was surprised when I got a response telling me to send in my resume.  After that, things happened quickly.  I interviewed the next week and then accepted the position an hour after I interviewed.  The entire process happened over about 10 days.  Through this time, I prayed and prayed for guidance and for God to help me determine if this was really the right change to make in my life.  As I prayed over those 10 days, God just kept moving mountains and giving me signs that this was exactly where he was leading me.  So I followed.
      So this summer I have spent countless hours in the school library getting things ready for fall.  It's been a lot of work, but I have loved every single second of it.  I had the old, stuffy Elementary library painted a whimsical blue color.  I moved out old shelves and filing cabinets that were unnecessary to create more space.  I am currently working on weeding out old books and reference materials, which apparently has never happened because I am going through materials that students haven't used in 30+ years.  Then because I have a touch of OCD, I have created beautiful labels to help with organization.  I still have a long way to go, but eventually I will get there.  I am hoping once I weed out all the old books in the elementary library, I can move out enough shelves so that I can have a reading corner with a fun, colorful rug for the younger grades.  Here are a couple of pictures from the Elementary library:

For the high school library, I went with a farmhouse theme.

    I also wanted an area where I could highlight certain books.  I am starting with books that were turned into movies. 

     The biggest challenge so far has been technology.  I have had to learn the software system for our online catalog, as well as the Accelerated Reader system since I will also be in charge of that.  I am not confident with technology, nor skilled, so I have had several calls to tech support for assistance.  The number of hours that I have spent deciding which books that I want to order this fall is crazy, but again I have loved every single second of it.

The One About Callum's Potty Training

   The day is finally here.  I can officially say I no longer have a child in diapers in the house.  Callum is OFFICIALLY potty trained.  I didn't think this day would ever come.  We started to work on potty training at different times over the last 6 months or so.  The first few attempts led to screaming fits and refusal to wear undies.  He had times when he would sit on the toilet and go, but then threw a fit and screamed for diapers.  Every time we would try to put undies on the last few months, he responded with, "Not today!!"  I had two days off in a row this week, so just made the decision that enough is enough.  On Tuesday morning, I packed up the diapers and told him we were giving them to Baby Breckyn (a boy from daycare last year who really isn't even a baby anymore and from all I know could already by potty trained).  Callum screamed bloody murder for 15 minutes or so and begged for diapers.  I didn't give in.  He had one accident, and then seemed to just accept the fact that I wasn't giving in.  He took off and did great that day!   We had another tantrum that evening where he begged for diapers and I swore he was possessed by the Devil, but it passed.  Now it's day 4, and we really have only had 2 accidents since we started.  He is running to the bathroom on his own and was even outside playing with the big boys and came to the door to tell me he had to go.  So I think it's safe to say we are in the clear.  Now, I just have to get him to wear the undies.  He would much rather go commando.  One battle at a time.  :)

The One About Halloween 2015

    My decision to start blogging again hasn't worked out so well.  Still, I figure if I can even post once or twice a month, it's better than nothing.
    Ernie and I went to a Halloween party in Chambers the night before Halloween.  We had gone the year before and had a lot of fun.  I searched for costumes, but just never really found anything that worked out.  Then I saw this quick and easy T-shirt idea and ran with it.  Ernie was happy with me that he didn't have to go all out in full costumes.

 
    On Halloween evening we headed to town with the boys.  Callum wasn't excited about wearing his costume.  He kept the hood off most of the night.

 
   Gavin was excited about his costume.  He won the costume contest at school this year.  I was really worried it would pop, but it held up.  The boys walked around town, and Callum really enjoyed running up to the doors.

The One About the 2-year Hiatus

      I don't really know why I quit blogging.  I guess we got busy with life.  Last night, something made me drag about the binder where I keep all my printed off blog posts.  The boys and I had so much fun reading through them.  Then I immediately wanted to cry, because I will never have those 2 years of posts for Callum.  I missed 1-2 year old Callum...the milestones, funny stories, etc..  I also missed many moments for the older boys; moments that are lost forever in the caves of my mind.  So I decided that the blog needs to start back up.  I don't even care if anyone reads it, not that I ever did. It was never about an audience.  It's more a way for me to remember all these crazy, chaotic times of parenting. It's a reminder to myself to get those pictures off of my phone and reflect on each moment. It gives me an outlet to write, which I love to do, but rarely take the time to do more than a quick text, email, or Facebook post.  I am not going to try to do a catch-up, but just start with where we are at this point in our lives.

Gavin--Gavin is currently in the 3rd grade.

He is still a bookworm, which I love.  He is very much his mother's son in many ways.  However, he is very messy, unorganized, and a procrastinator, which I know he does not get from me. Those traits drive his mother CRAZY!!!!   He is obsessed (and I do mean OBSESSED) with football:  college, NFL, etc..  He watches the games, reads the magazines, and talks about it constantly.  This year, he started playing Leprechaun football with a team in O'Neill.  So we run him to O'Neill 2x/week for practices and to Norfolk on Sundays to games.  He loves it.  He proudly shows off his bruises after each game.

There are 6 boys in his class who are playing football, so they split them up 2 Ewing boys on each O'Neill team.  

Gavin is starting to change..mature.  I see it little by little, and it makes me sad.  He is starting to spend more time alone in his room, either reading football magazines, playing Minecraft, or watching You Tube videos about the NFL.  He wants his own space.  He is more independent.  He is getting mouthy.  I can usually give him a look when he is throwing his attitude, and he breaks into a huge smile. I see him in public, and he just seems different.  I can tell that he is starting to need me less and less.  It's heartbreaking, but also makes me proud.  I guess that's what parenthood is all about.  

Asher:  Asher started Kindergarten this fall.  To say that Asher has been a difficult child is an understatement.   We had the biting phases at daycare, the no-sleeping phases (who am I kidding...it's never been just a phase), the constant ear infections, the loud bellow that is his normal speaking voice, the attitude/agression/roughness, etc...  I remember thinking, "Let's just get him to Kindergarten."  Well, we did it!!  Yet, I still sobbed all the way home after I dropped him off that first day.  He has grown up a lot since starting Kindergarten, but he is still my baby in some respects.  

He still wants me to cuddle with him on the couch or lay with him at night.  He will still randomly tell me, "I love you, Mommy."  He is terrified of storms, and the tears instantly build up in his eyes when the sky is dark.  Every morning, he asks us if it's going to storm.  We don't really know why this fear of storms started, but I think it dates back to the tornado that destroyed Pilger.  We had the news on a lot during that time and drove the boys through the town on our way to Omaha.  I think that scared him more than we realized and stayed with him.  He now sleeps on an air mattress in our room next to our bed.  We fought and fought with him about sleeping in his own bed for months, but it ended up meaning that no one got any sleep.  He was in our room several times/night.  Finally, I caved in and bought an air mattress.  It's not ideal, but at least we are finally all getting sleep at night and Ernie and I get to stay in our bed. Eventually, I know he'll want to sleep in his room again.  For now, it really isn't a problem.  Honestly, as long as we are all getting sleep, that's what is important. When I am sleep-deprived, it's not good.   

Here is the Kdg class in Ewing.

Callum:   Callum is now 3 years old.  

He is still my tiny boy, but he has an attitude something fierce.  He loves Curious George and Paw Patrol.  He "calls" the TV before we walk in the door. Callum also will randomly say, "I just love you, too."  I think he heard Asher saying it, and just started too.  I love it!  He will also ask me "Want to cuddle in your bed or not?" Cuddling and talking is a big thing in our house.  Callum says, "That's not good" all the time.  The other day, I was cleaning his ears with a Q-tip.  He wanted to see it, so I showed it to him.  He said, "Yuck.  That's not good."  Callum is talking like crazy now.  His language exploded in the last few months.  We are working on colors, shapes, and counting.  We try to spend some time working on those things while the big boys are in school, as well as reading and playing games.  I love my 2 days/week home with him.  I feel like with him being the youngest, he got jipped on the Mommy time.  So now that it's just he and I at home, I am trying to make that up to him. When he isn't watching Curious George, of course.  Asher is really good with Callum and helps work with him on things.  I was asking Callum one day if he was a boy or a girl.  Asher jumped in, "Callum, are you a buck or a doe?"  Now that Asher is learning sounds and blending them in Reading Mastery, he is always coming home and having Callum play school.  

   A few times over the past month, I have caught Callum cursing.  Asher heard it first and told me about it.  I was surprised, but one day Callum was playing with Play Doh.  He dropped a piece, and I heard, "God D$&*#*$(!"  I said, "WHAT???"  He dropped his eyes and said, "Nuffin.  I said Nuffin." I couldn't believe and immediately wondered where he got that from.  Then about an hour later, I heard the words come out of my mouth.  Ooops!

    Lisa Schrunk retired last spring, so 3 days/week Callum spends time with Grandma Karen or Daddy, depending on what's going on.  He is on a waiting list to get into another daycare next year.  I think daycare is good for him.  He has forgotten that he needs to share.  His big brothers usually let him have what he wants, so I think a year of daycare before preschool will be good to get him back in the practice of sharing/getting along with others.   

    Ernie and I are busy with the kids and all of their activities.  I feel like we are always running somewhere.  Ernie has a semi, and is gone overnight every once in awhile hauling corn to Iowa. The farm schedule hasn't seemed as crazy the last few years, or it's possible that I am just used to it now. I am still working as a speech pathologist in Elgin 3 days/week.  I have been at those schools 10 years now, which doesn't seem possible.  Ernie and I celebrated our 11th anniversary in May (well, I don't know if celebrated is the word.  The day came and went...I can't even remember if did anything to acknowledge the day).  :)   There have been many external stressors on our marriage over the last 9 months, but here we are.  I guess marriage is a lot like parenting.  Many ups and downs, and you just try to keep on moving forward, and grab onto the good moments.  My favorite thing in the world is when one of the boys says something funny or something happens, and Ernie and I just look at each other and laugh.  I love our little family.  I am blessed.