I have been thinking of posting this just as a way to remember this time in our lives. I don't want it to be a post of complaining, but looking back I want to remember how chaotic and stressful things were this spring. Being pregnant is not fun for me. In fact, I hate being pregnant. I really do. I don't feel like myself at all. I hate carrying the extra weight, and it amazes me that I ever carried this much weight, like when not pregnant. Like in college. I feel so sluggish and rundown. I am sure a lot of that is due to the pregnancy itself and not necessarily weight, but the weight gain is one of the things I hate most about pregnancy. I never had morning sickness with any pregnancy, so that seems to be the major negative when I am pregnant. And oh the hormones. I am already an emotional person, but I can cry at the drop of a hat right now. Which I do often. So pregnancy alone is a hard experience for me, but then add two little boys and building a new home. Ahh!!
The house has been fun, and overall not as bad as I imagined it to be. However, it's a lot of time and work. We have spent almost all our "free" time at the house, at stores picking stuff out, or meeting with the builders, kitchen place, lumberyard, etc.. It has been extra difficult for me, because I am horrible at making decisions. I stress about things and second guess myself constantly. Now that I am pregnant, Ernie gets to deal with pregnancy hormones on top of that. Lucky guy! Our contractor has been wonderful through this, and we seem to work well together. I completely trust him, and at times have told him, "Do what you think is best." We are blessed he was able to build our home, because now he is booked up for the next year.
Then there are my two little monsters. I love them so much, and I love that they are very active boys. I wouldn't want them to be these quiet little guys who sit around, but wow they wear me out. Now that it's warmer out, we are outside as much as we can be so they can run off some of that energy. That leaves me away from the house and backed up on laundry, dishes, etc.. My life is just so disorganized right now, and that adds to my stress because I like things all neat and in order. Which I should have learned by now will NEVER happen when you have children. I know I need to accept that, but I still seem to fight for perfection on a daily basis. So yes, I bring a lot of the stress on myself. I need to give up the fight and let things go. Will the world end if I have a sink of dirty dishes? Will time stop if the boys don't get a bath every single night? In the big picture, none of that matters.
Yet another thing to throw on the fire is the fact that Asher is not sleeping all night. He is up at least once, usually two times at night. He runs into our room, and then one of us has to take him back to bed. When he does sleep all night, he is up at 5:45 wanting to watch cartoons. I don't know if all the chaos is starting to affect the boys or what, but Ernie and I are so sleep deprived that it isn't funny. It's like newborn baby sleep-deprived. Once again, throw the normal exhaustion of pregnancy on top of that .
Work has been busy too, but I almost think it's my saving grace right now. At work, I can have that order and perfection I crave. My paperwork can be perfect and I can plan ahead. I can have my MDT and IEP meetings and check them off my "To Do" list. This post probably makes me sound like I suffer from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, which at times I have have honestly questioned myself. Oh well, that's who I am.
I know that after this is all over, it will be well worth it. I will look back on this and forget how crazy it was and how tired I was, kind of like how mothers forgot how painful childbirth really is. I keep telling myself to enjoy these moments, because there will be a time I want them back. It is a very exciting time in our lives, but I just pray I can survive it.
I also wanted to add some funny things the boys have said lately. I shared these on facebook, but I wanted to document them here too.
I was telling Gavin that in one week we would find out if the baby was a boy or a girl. He got a serious look on his face and said, "You know when God made us a long time ago. Did he cut girls' pee pees off?"
We talk about naming the baby a lot. The boys have come up with several suggestions. On the way home from daycare last night, Asher said, "How about we name the baby Fartsniffer?" I think his next suggestion was "Poopy Sock." I don't know why he says poopy sock constantly or where he heard it, but he calls people poopy socks all the time.
Asher also now will say, "I love you, Mommy. You're my family." So sweet!
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